Terminal is not a death sentence.
The most amazing thing is finding out you have a terminal illness. The first 3 days, my kids hid my Ipad so I couldn't see what we were being dealt. I kept asking for it, and it kept disappearing. But eventually, you find out and learn that this is a new beginning. Oh trust me, there are depressing times and lots of self pity. Sooner than later, you'll realize that the challenge is real, and your best option. I am going to die from this wicked thing, but the better I battle, the more willing I am to fight and take on the challenges, the better I feel. I want to live! To go as far and as stubbornly as I can into the final Abyss. I have seen 3 grandchildren grow and to recognize their "Poppa", and I will throw every last inch of strength I have into seeing them continue to grow. It is my personal crusade.
We are much stronger than we think we can be.
As I look back at the whirling dervish that is battling cancer, I am very proud of the strength that I continue to have. Now don't get me wrong, it's not the same for everyone, some people truly struggle. I have had my nights of sickness, my days where I could sleep for a week, and the craziness of having people literally mess with your mind. But as i have somewhat recovered from the surgery, radiation , massive amounts of drugs, and atrophy of my body, I am stronger than I thought I could be! I remember trying to walk up the hill to UWMC and having to stop 2-3 times for rest, I was exhausted. We made it. At this point I feel almost as well as I did prior to GBM. I know it can change on a dime, but I have a sense of pride in being able to get through the hard part.
The Compassion of humanity is overwhelming.
To be able to explain the kindness and gentle nurturing of us as Human Beings for each other is almost indescribable. I have been blessed to be able to feel the most overwhelming kindness as people. Friends, strangers, customers, all feel empathy and offer words of encouragement.I have friends who send me cards, text me, write me, and offer any kind of help or blessing they can. We are a good people, this I can carry to my last breath and smile, knowing that the caring kindness is very real and alive.
My Family and Friends are a core spark to my battle.
I have had very few goals that I have striven for. One, be a true companion to my Love.Two, be a great Dad. Three, be a good friend. Four, be a good worker. The payoff for pursuing these goals has been multifold. I have seen my wife become a strong, powerful, independent woman that gives me the comfort to know that, even though not happily, she can carry on with the same strength that we have counted on for years. Both my children Love me, and support me in their ways that make me so proud. They re carrying this burden,although heavy and hard, with a strength that makes me so proud I almost cry when I think of it. I cannot describe the welling in my chest when I think of them. My sister, her husband, my great friend Craig, my other brother in arms, Pat Looney. All my Vigilante brothers and sisters, all re affirm that no matter what happens, people are there for you,caring and nurturing.
Even on dark days, keep your hope alive.
One of my least favorite things about GBM, is the ever present knowledge of death. Every day you wake up and the thoughts start rolling through.People will say "we are all dying". This bring little solace to those who indeed know they are much closer than most. Worry and toiling has been a struggle for the past year and all I can say is.....relax. Yes,we were dealt a messed up hand.The best you can do is to laugh,love your people, and enjoy as much of the life you have left. Dance, hug,sing,and take chances.I might be here for a month, a year, or five years i don't know. But I know that as long as I breathe, I am going to take stock of the wonderful miracle that is life. When I go,please note that I Loved every second of my world and held on for all I can. Deep breaths helps as well.
Lets hope that next May 19th I can be able to carry on my ramblings for you! Stay blessed,stay strong,hug each other and give yourself a little break!
Your Friend,
Skip
