This weight is weighing on my soul ,And it just won't leave me alone.You know I'm talking about this weight.You know I'm talking about this weight.
Van Morrison
I was born into a tumultuous family. My mom, was 15 when she married and gave birth to me. In 1962, I was 4, Rick was 3, Mike was a baby and Mom was 19. She quit school in 9th grade, and though an avid reader ( and a rocking beatnik, candles love beads and all) her vocational skills were limited. We were poor. Like eating oatmeal for a week poor. Like "can the kids just sleep on your couch? " poor. Due to lifestyle choices , men my Grandparents didn't approve of, there was hardly any familial help for Mom. But, the beauty of being little is you don't realize any of this. I only knew two things, I was the oldest and to watch out for my brothers.
Anyone who is the oldest knows what that meant for the next 1 to 40 years or so. I had a job. I was the oldest. I was the Mother hen, circling the playground, making sure doors were locked and rooms were cleaned.Being the oldest brings great responsibility, but also a peace. You are in charge, you take care of tasks, your Mom is happy and the world is good.
By the time I was 13, I was the babysitter. Mom was working a split shift as a cocktail waitress at the Roadway Inn in Denver and tips were good. I was responsible for dinner, making sure the house was clean, homework was done, and kids were in bed by 9:00. Mom paid me in Viceroys, a carton a week! Make no bones, i was a taskmaster, and I am sure all 3 of my siblings still carry mental scars from those day's, I still have to apologize to Jannelle at least once a year for waking her up screaming "Santa Came!! And Left you a doll! " at least 15 times in August when she was 2, but these are things you do for fun as a 13 year old. For the most part, the house was safe.
The gift of this upbringing is many. Moving 80 times from birth to 18 gives you resiliency. Material items hold very little value,and of utmost importance, you take care of those you love with a fierceness and a depth that can't be described. Their is a fire in my heart for those I Love so strong it could never, ever be extinguished by anything as long as i breathe.
Then along comes a new player. Mom always said " as long as you work hard, you'll be successful." Mom obviously had not known about the Dragon. GBM steals your independence. One day your bitching about contractors and the next day you are not able to drive to Safeway.If you have been recently diagnosed or know someone who has, do not google late stage GBM. It can be an ugly and sobering experience. Blessedly, karma is not always a bitch.
After 56 years of watching,caring, loving, worrying and being on it in general, I now the care getter.I am the one who is being cared for by so many.
I hope this isn't as rambly as it feels, but it needs to be said. The dragon can, and may, and probably will come back at some point and I won't be capable of telling you all,how wonderful and amazing and caring you are! I have been blessed with a circle of Love that I literally feel on an hourly basis and it makes my heart want to burst.I have nowhere near done enough in my life to deserve the people that are Loving me and taking care of me. It is the driving factor that pushes me forward in this fight and I Love you all for it. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers,hugs,sacrifices and time to make my life a little better. It's amazing and humbling and I am grateful in ways I can't express.
If you are one of the unlucky ones, who have joined the GBM club, take time every day to hug your care givers. The weight they carry is immense, and not something they ever expected either.Tell loved one's now how you feel and try to be gentle, steroids suck and you need to be aware that you can get "edgey" for no reason. Forgive each other and try to make them smile!
You were right Mom, hard work does pay off, but sowing the seeds of Love pays off in spade's.
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